Wanted: manager

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The screen at the Etihad reads 6-0, as Chelsea are humiliated

Wanted. Manager. No previous silverware necessary. Must be willing to work for £5million per year, plus generous cigarette allowance.

Tracksuits and trainers are provided (you will go through several pairs of trainers, pacing back and forward – but mainly backwards).

The successful candidate must supply his own hair dye after the stock of Auburn Sunset used by Glenn Hoddle ran out.

The contract officially runs for three years, but – don’t worry – this is only a technicality. It actually runs for eight months. At that point you will be shown the door and given a farewell bonus of £10m. Please take your ashtrays with you.

You will be allowed to keep your tracksuit, unless your replacement happens to be Marco Silva, in which case the initials still apply, so please hang it on the back of the office door as you leave.

What do we expect of you? That’s the beauty of this job. Nothing! We’ll take it on trust that someone who has managed a string of teams nobody has heard of, and won nothing, will be a glorious success.

It will help if you are so stuck in your ways that you flatly refuse to listen to advice from anyone – even those who have actually achieved something in football.

If you speak English, that’s good. But it’s not essential. Feel free to lapse into your native language after a few months, and a translator will be supplied.

A willingness to march straight past opposing managers who offer to shake your hand after giving you the humiliation of your life is essential.

Chelsea FC is an equal opportunities employer. In fact we’ll take anyone. Absolutely anyone.